Sunday, 26 July 2009

Don't Fuck With, Part 3 : Killer Bob in TWIN PEAKS FIRE WALK WITH ME (1992)

NAME : Killer Bob.

OTHER ALIASES : Killer BOB. " Robertson ".

SIZE/DIMENSIONS : Appearance of a man (see below) but actual size or dimensions are unknown, and possibly irrelevant. Bob is everywhere. He's even in the chair you are sitting in right now.

PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS : Dirty and long unkempt brown/silver hair. Long dirty fingernails. Jeans or slacks. Shirt. Denim jacket. All round wild look. Is occasionally seen crouching or crawling for maximum shit scary effect.

MODUS OPERANDI : Possesses humans to create and/or provoke extreme traumatic emotions such as fear, pain and grief. Feeds off emotions in their base physical manifestation known as "Gormonbozia" - the sustenance of those who exist within " The Black Lodge ". Emotions are caused through molestation, assault, murder and probably sneaking up behind people and shouting " boo ".

KNOWN ASSOCIATES : Mike (sometimes inhabiting the body of the " One armed man " Phillip Gerard). Man From Another Place (may or may not be the being known as Mike). Various other denizens of The Black Lodge including a giant, an old woman and her grandson, men wearing preposterous wigs, and a monkey. Leland Palmer (possessed victim). Various other known victims include Laura Palmer, Teresa Banks, Ronette Pulaski and Madeline Ferguson. The White Lodge, the antithesis of The Black Lodge, although it's open to debate whether this dimension exists separately from The Black Lodge.

STRENGTHS AND ABILITIES : Able to transform himself/itself into an owl (or dispels its essence in all owls). Move from our world into the alternate dimension known as The Black Lodge. Able to appear in dreams, visions and alter victims perceptions of reality. Very strong. Can scare the shit out of you by hiding and jumping out at you when you least expect it.

PRONE TO SAY : " I will kill again. "

LIKES : Gormonbozia. Evil and the perpetuation of evil. Killing. People who sell their souls. Trying to possess people. Ceiling Fans. Hiding behind cupboards/bookcases/beds. Appearing in the corner of your eye as you walk into an empty room. Reflecting in the mirror at inopportune times. Terrorizing, molesting and then killing young women.

DISLIKES : FBI agents. The White Lodge. Being ordered to hand over Gormonbozia by Mike.

ORIGINS : Actual origins are unknown although it is believed he was once human. Whilst he was alive he was a serial killer and may have worked with Mike (Phillip Gerard).

LOCATION : Deep in the woods of Ghostwood Forest. In The Black Lodge. Behind you.


BEGGING? : Hmmm... No.

A NICE CUP OF TEA? : Tea? No. Gormonbozia maybe sprinkled with hundreds and thousands.
FUCK WITH OR DON'T FUCK WITH? : Run like hell.

Saturday, 25 July 2009

Maleficent Fiends of Doom and Terror, Part 1 - Professor Marcus in THE LADYKILLERS (1955)

This man is a master brain.

NAME : Professor Marcus (possible alias).

AGE : Mid 50s.

PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS : Poor posture.. Big teeth. Dark overcoat. Grey scarf. Whispery silver hair.

PLANS FOR WORLD DOMINATION : Rent a room in a house close to King's Cross Station. Pose as a member of an amateur string quartet. Rob an armoured van of its contents (60, 000 pounds), and hide said contents in a luggage trunk. Use little old lady (Mrs Wilberforce - land lady) as a 'mule' to pick up the loot from the station. Retrieve swag with or without possible casualties (associates or otherwise).

KNOWN ASSOCIATES AND/OR LACKEYS : Mr Louis Harvey (a vicious hood from the continent with experience in certain "matters"). Major Courtney (a gentleman con artist and coward). Mr "One Round" Lawson (the muscle, a brutish towering simpleton). Mr Harry Robinson (cockney spiv also with cowardly tendencies).

PRONE TO SAY : " You musn't make me angry. "

AMBITIONS AND DESIRES : Armed robbery. Thinking up complicated schemes of criminal genius. Killing little old ladies.

TEMPORARY SETBACKS, TRIVIALITIES AND IRRITANTS : Aversion to birds particularly parrots. Feigning interest in the stories of little old ladies. Endless cups of tea offered by little old ladies. Having to listen to Boccherini's minuet (3rd movement) from String Quartet in E, Op. 13 No. 5. Playing the piano and having a " sing song " with large groups of little old ladies. Having to risk apprehension, humiliation and disgrace. The police. Being told he is crazy. Little old ladies.

FIEND SCALE : 8 out of 10.

ANYTHING ELSE : Don't mention the booby hatch.

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