Sunday, 29 August 2010

Dont Fuck With, Part 6 : That thing out of The Crate with the teeth in CREEPSHOW (1982)

NAME : Nicknamed "Fluffy" by George Romero. Prefers "Sir".

AGE : Difficult to say (see below), but at least 154 years old.

ORIGINS : Discovered by an Arctic expedition in 1834. Reasons why unknown. Captured by some inconceivable means and then shipped in a crate to a Julia Carpenter (relationship to Fluffy or those involved in the expedition not known). At some point the crate then ended up at Amberson Hall (an American university), and was left underneath the stairway in one of the basement laboratories. Forgotten for 154 years. Might be a kind of cryptozoological yeti/sasquatch thing.

PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS : Has the appearance of a large ape (perhaps the result of a cross between a Silverback Gorilla and a pissed off Baboon). Grey blue hair. Large razor sharp teeth and claws. Yellow eyes. Massive upper torso with strong arms. Small hind legs.

KNOWN VICTIMS : 1) Mike the Janitor - finds the crate. Later on opens it along with Professor Dexter Stanley (miraculously survives). Appears to be overly concerned with retrieving lost coins from dark dusty places, and directing his flashlight at hibernating monsters. 2) Charlie Gereson - a grad student who helps Stanley now hysterical from witnessing Mike's death. Curious but stupid, also likes flashlights and having his face ripped off by deranged ape like monsters that live in crates. 3) Wilma Northup - drunk, annoying teacher's wife played by actress who appears in cool John Carpenter films. Enjoys imparting vast amounts of constructive criticism, but not as much as mixing milk and alcohol. Eaten by Fluffy.
MODUS OPERANDI : To hide in a crate for about a century and a half, and then leap out and rip someone's face off.

STRENGTHS AND ABILITIES : Apart from the obvious ape strength and big teeth and claws, Fluffy the crate monster can also hibernate for over 150 years without food and water. It can also breathe underwater for an undisclosed period of time (after being locked in the crate), and make the lighting go all neon red/blue/green whenever it appears in an Argento Suspiria type way. Can chew and devour human bone.

LIKES : Downtrodden henpecked teachers who may or may not allow you to eat their wives. Hiding in crates. Sleeping for 154 years. Ripping, gouging, biting and generally tearing the shit out of people with your teeth and claws. Effecting the mood lighting when revealing yourself to janitors, teachers, teachers wives and grad students with your terrifying intense and unrelenting ferociousness. Eating.

DISLIKES: Flashlights that wake you up after 154 years. Grad students. Janitors. Being dropped into waterfilled chasms by ungrateful teachers. Stephen King.

ABLE TO COMPREHEND REASON? : Maybe if you have an offering, like say your wife.

BEGGING? : Fuck that.

A NICE CUP OF TEA? : Hmm... got any custard creams?

FUCK WITH OR DONT FUCK WITH? : It's not Clyde y'know (right arm Clyde). Just leave it the hell alone. It likes the crate.
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