Friday, 20 March 2009

The Evil That Men With Facial Hair Do Part 1: Matthew Hopkins - WITCHFINDER GENERAL (1968)

Name: Matthew Hopkins

Occupation: Witchfinder

Starsign: I know not, for I am not a witch...

Height: 6"2 (7"2 with hat)

Distinguishing Features: Handsome, bearded, well dressed gentleman. Not an unkempt lout.

Favourite Method of Torture: Stabbing the witch several times, often on their backside, in search of the MARK OF SATAN. This is known as ' witch-pricking '. If no pain is felt, and if no blood flows, then Satan is in residence. In my experience, Satan has never actually been found in this way but it matters not for Satan is the LORD OF LIES and is often hidden well upon the witch. It is also good sport.

Likes: Forcing WITCHES to confess through various extreme forms of interrogation including TORTURE. Dunking the witch in water to see if they sink or swim. If they float then they must be hanged, and if they drown then they are the innocent. It is a simple, fair test. Subjecting innocent wenches to private interrogations in their bed chambers. Execution.

Dislikes: Witches. Those who seek to protect witches. Witches.

Interests: Oh just the usual burning, hanging, dunking and torturing.

Location: Essex, but I have travelled all over the East of England in search of those who have been corrupted by SATAN. I may be found here.

Thursday, 12 March 2009

Cute, but Evil Part 1: The Zumi Fetish Doll AKA " He Who Kills "

" This is He Who Kills, He is a Deadly Hunter. "


Name : " He Who Kills "

Occupation : Zumi Fetish Doll.

Age : Stamped on feet or on back of box.

Weight : Err... about half a kilogram... probably.

Height : 1"4

Appearance : Scary but kind of cute. Word of warning - do not describe as ugly or say things like - " even your mother wouldn't love you. "

Previous Owners : Richard Matheson, Dan Curtis, Karen Black.

Favourite Weapons : A spear or anything really sharp.
Likes (other than his spear) : Household cutlery, particularly carving knives. Stabbing people in the face, arms or legs. Biting people on the neck. Proving that door handles fail as sufficient obstacles to death. People trying to drown him (no lungs). Howling or screaming " Die!! Die!! Die!! ". Being fucking terrifying.

Dislikes : People. Being shut in suitcases. Comparisons to smurfs or muppets. Ovens.

Location : Can be found here.

Anything Else : Not suitable for anyone under the age of 200.

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