Saturday, 4 July 2009

Don't Fuck With, Part 2 : Helena Markos in SUSPIRIA (1977)

NAME : Helena Markos.

OTHER ALIASES : Mater Suspiriorium. Our Lady of Sighs. The Black Queen. The Directress.

SIZE : Average height and weight of a decrepit old woman (See ORIGINS).

PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS : Long, skinny and very hairy arms. Long dirty fingernails. Grey whispery hair. The facial features of a mummified corpse.

MODUS OPERANDI : A centuries old witch posing as the Directress of a dancing academy for (mainly) young girls/women. Her intention to bring about hell on earth through excessive and bloody acts of murder. May also involve singing "nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah" and the playing of various percussive instruments. Loudly.

KNOWN ASSOCIATES : Madame Blanc and Miss Tanner (school principal/head and her deputy). Various other members of her coven including an extremely tall "Lurch" lookalike, a boy dressed in old fashioned clothes and a very ugly cook. Her sisters - Mater Tenebrarum (our lady of darkness) and Mater Lachrymarum (our lady of tears).

STRENGTHS AND ABILITIES : Still extremely powerful although in a much weaker condition following her battle with the white witch Elisa Mandy. She has an extensive knowledge of witchcraft and sorcery including necromancy, invisibility, teleportation, levitation, physical projection, telekinesis and probably ventriloquism and juggling.

LIKES : Smashing young girls heads through glass windows. Chasing young girls through the woods at night. Stabbing young girls and then hanging them with wire. Inventive and well choreographed acts of violence. Sleeping/wheezing/snoring next to young girls as they sleep. Provoking guide dogs into ripping out the throats of their owners. Filling up random rooms with barb wire and arranging for someone to become trapped inside them. Taunting people with their impending and probably extremely horrible deaths.

DISLIKES : Young women/girls who dance. Blind pianists. Glass peacocks. Fire.

ORIGINS : Born in Greece in the 11th century (exact time unknown), during which at some point she formed an unholy alliance with Maters Tenebrarum and Lachrymarum. In the 19th century, formed the Tanz Akademie ( a school for dance and the occult) in one of the three buildings designed by the Italian architect Varelli for the use of the Mothers. Became severely injured following the encounter with Elisa Mandy, and was reduced to an old (but still powerful) hag. Faked her death in the early 20th century and has since assumed the mantle of the school's mysterious Directress.

LOCATION : Deep in the Black Forest near Freiburg in Germany. Quite possibly underneath your bed when you go to sleep at night. Playing bingo every Wednesday and Friday night.
ABLE TO COMPREHEND REASON, A PLEA OR A NICE CUP OF TEA? : No likely to first taunt you, then reanimate your best friend's corpse, and finally to stab you in the heart. She's evil (might still like some tea though particularly earl grey).

FUCK WITH OR DON'T FUCK WITH? : Can be slain with a sharp object but you have to be able to see her first. And avoid big bastard knives.

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