Saturday, 22 January 2011

Don't Fuck With, Part 7 : The Tall Man in PHANTASM (1979)

NAME : The Tall Man.

OCCUPATION : Creepy undertaker at Morningside Cemetery.

PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS : Long limbed. Grey face. Grey, receding hair. Scowls a lot. Occasionally squints and raises his eyebrow. Wears a black suit and tie. His blood is yellow. OK, I've given in. He's also really tall.
KNOWN ASSOCIATES : A number of homicidal mortuary attendants. Three foot tall, robe wearing zombies, known as Lurkers, who love stalking teenage boys. Gas mask wearing grave robbers, known as Gravers, who love chainsaws. Flying metal spheres, known as Sentinels, which embed themselves into the forehead, drill into the skull and drain the body of blood (spheres come in silver or gold). Whatever else lives on his home planet/dimension.
MODUS OPERANDI : To plunder towns in North America and turn their dead into evil hooded dwarfs. To then send the zombie dwarfs to another dimension (or planet) to be used as slaves for some undisclosed reason.

PRONE TO SAY : " BOOOYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!! "

STRENGTHS AND ABILITIES : Exceptionally strong. Able to carry a coffin and its occupant (probably weighing around 500 pounds) under one arm. Telekinetic - can make tyres blow by the force of his mind. Able to impersonate beautiful young blonde women (not known whether this is a physical transformation or a manipulation of his victim's perception) so he can pick up guys in bars, have sex with them in graveyards and then stab them to death. Able to regenerate body parts such as fingers after they have been sliced off. Body parts are then reborn as giant ugly flies with glowing red eyes. Can move around in old photographs y'know like Harry Potter. Probably immortal.

LIKES : Skulking around graveyards. Punctuality. Having sex with young men whilst posing as blondes. Heat and smoke. Hanging out with aggressive reanimated corpse/dwarf things. Skull drilling flying metal balls. Hiding in bedrooms and waiting for young boys to come home. Using his dwarfs to drag young boys into mirrors. Saying " BOOOYYYY!!! "

DISLIKES: 13 years old boys called Mike who mess up his plans. Friends or relatives of Mike. People who snoop around his cemetery. Exploding in a car crash fireball. Falling down mine shafts. Hydrochloric acid being employed incorrectly. The cold.
ABLE TO COMPREHEND REASON? : What we gotta do is snag the tall dude and stomp the shit out of him...
BEGGING? : No way have you seen that mother...
MAYBE A NICE CUP OF TEA THEN? : Yes please and a jaffa cake for the little 'un.
FUCK WITH OR DON'T FUCK WITH? : Probably best to ignore The Tall Man's activities unless you would like to be seduced by a knife wielding 18 year old blonde, drilled through the head by a flying metallic sphere or kidnapped and eaten by evil Jawa.

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