Don't Fuck With, Part 7 : The Tall Man in PHANTASM (1979)

NAME : The Tall Man.

OCCUPATION : Creepy undertaker at Morningside Cemetery.

PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS : Long limbed. Grey face. Grey, receding hair. Scowls a lot. Occasionally squints and raises his eyebrow. Wears a black suit and tie. His blood is yellow. OK, I've given in. He's also really tall.

KNOWN ASSOCIATES : A number of homicidal mortuary attendants. Three foot tall, robe wearing zombies, known as Lurkers, who love stalking teenage boys. Gas mask wearing grave robbers, known as Gravers, who love chainsaws. Flying metal spheres, known as Sentinels, which embed themselves into the forehead, drill into the skull and drain the body of blood (spheres come in silver or gold). Whatever else lives on his home planet/dimension.

MODUS OPERANDI : To plunder towns in North America and turn their dead into evil hooded dwarfs. To then send the zombie dwarfs to another dimension (or planet) to be used as slaves for some undisclosed reason.

PRONE TO SAY : " BOOOYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!! "

STRENGTHS AND ABILITIES : Exceptionally strong. Able to carry a coffin and its occupant (probably weighing around 500 pounds) under one arm. Telekinetic - can make tyres blow by the force of his mind. Able to impersonate beautiful young blonde women (not known whether this is a physical transformation or a manipulation of his victim's perception) so he can pick up guys in bars, have sex with them in graveyards and then stab them to death. Able to regenerate body parts such as fingers after they have been sliced off. Body parts are then reborn as giant ugly flies with glowing red eyes. Can move around in old photographs y'know like Harry Potter. Probably immortal.

LIKES : Skulking around graveyards. Punctuality. Having sex with young men whilst posing as blondes. Heat and smoke. Hanging out with aggressive reanimated corpse/dwarf things. Skull drilling flying metal balls. Hiding in bedrooms and waiting for young boys to come home. Using his dwarfs to drag young boys into mirrors. Saying " BOOOYYYY!!! "

DISLIKES: 13 years old boys called Mike who mess up his plans. Friends or relatives of Mike. People who snoop around his cemetery. Exploding in a car crash fireball. Falling down mine shafts. Hydrochloric acid being employed incorrectly. The cold.

ABLE TO COMPREHEND REASON? : What we gotta do is snag the tall dude and stomp the shit out of him...

BEGGING? : No way have you seen that mother...

MAYBE A NICE CUP OF TEA THEN? : Yes please and a jaffa cake for the little 'un.

FUCK WITH OR DON'T FUCK WITH? : Probably best to ignore The Tall Man's activities unless you would like to be seduced by a knife wielding 18 year old blonde, drilled through the head by a flying metallic sphere or kidnapped and eaten by evil Jawa.

Room For One More, Part 38 : Driller Killer - Mike escapes from one of The Tall Man's silver skull drilling flying spheres in PHANTASM (1979)

Dont Fuck With, Part 6 : That thing out of The Crate with the teeth in CREEPSHOW (1982)

NAME : Nicknamed "Fluffy" by George Romero. Prefers "Sir".

AGE : Difficult to say (see below), but at least 154 years old.

ORIGINS : Discovered by an Arctic expedition in 1834. Reasons why unknown. Captured by some inconceivable means and then shipped in a crate to a Julia Carpenter (relationship to Fluffy or those involved in the expedition not known). At some point the crate then ended up at Amberson Hall (an American university), and was left underneath the stairway in one of the basement laboratories. Forgotten for 154 years. Might be a kind of cryptozoological yeti/sasquatch thing.

PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS : Has the appearance of a large ape (perhaps the result of a cross between a Silverback Gorilla and a pissed off Baboon). Grey blue hair. Large razor sharp teeth and claws. Yellow eyes. Massive upper torso with strong arms. Small hind legs.

KNOWN VICTIMS : 1) Mike the Janitor - finds the crate. Later on opens it along with Professor Dexter Stanley (miraculously survives). Appears to be overly concerned with retrieving lost coins from dark dusty places, and directing his flashlight at hibernating monsters. 2) Charlie Gereson - a grad student who helps Stanley now hysterical from witnessing Mike's death. Curious but stupid, also likes flashlights and having his face ripped off by deranged ape like monsters that live in crates. 3) Wilma Northup - drunk, annoying teacher's wife played by actress who appears in cool John Carpenter films. Enjoys imparting vast amounts of constructive criticism, but not as much as mixing milk and alcohol. Eaten by Fluffy.

MODUS OPERANDI : To hide in a crate for about a century and a half, and then leap out and rip someone's face off.

STRENGTHS AND ABILITIES : Apart from the obvious ape strength and big teeth and claws, Fluffy the crate monster can also hibernate for over 150 years without food and water. It can also breathe underwater for an undisclosed period of time (after being locked in the crate), and make the lighting go all neon red/blue/green whenever it appears in an Argento Suspiria type way. Can chew and devour human bone.

LIKES : Downtrodden henpecked teachers who may or may not allow you to eat their wives. Hiding in crates. Sleeping for 154 years. Ripping, gouging, biting and generally tearing the shit out of people with your teeth and claws. Effecting the mood lighting when revealing yourself to janitors, teachers, teachers wives and grad students with your terrifying intense and unrelenting ferociousness. Eating.

DISLIKES: Flashlights that wake you up after 154 years. Grad students. Janitors. Being dropped into waterfilled chasms by ungrateful teachers. Stephen King.

ABLE TO COMPREHEND REASON? : Maybe if you have an offering, like say your wife.

BEGGING? : Fuck that.

A NICE CUP OF TEA? : Hmm... got any custard creams?

FUCK WITH OR DONT FUCK WITH? : It's not Clyde y'know (right arm Clyde). Just leave it the hell alone. It likes the crate.

Don't Fuck With, Part 5 : The Overlook Hotel in THE SHINING (1980)

NAME : The Overlook Hotel.

ORIGINS : Located 2 and half hours from Denver by Volkswagen. Construction for the hotel began in 1907, and was finished in 1909. Apparently the site was used as an Indian burial ground. This choice of location was not a popular decision. Since then a number of strange and awful events have occurred at the hotel (not that I want to appear melodramatic).

PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS : The hotel contains many rooms including the manager Mr Ullman's office, a large reception, a massive room called the Colorado Lounge, a bar and dining room known as the Gold Room, a kitchen with a walk in fridge (lots of meat and ice cream) and storage cupboard, a boiler room, a games room (much liked by children), a red men's room, and a communications room with a radio. The outside includes a garage for the Snow Cat (in case of snowbound emergencies), and a huge maze (a model of which resides in the Colorado Lounge). The hotel also boasts at least 237 guest rooms as well as living quarters for the staff. Beware of exit signs (bad things happen around them), the gallons of blood that may occasionally burst through the lift doors, and stay clear of Room 237 (strictly private). Please do not be alarmed by the twin sisters who may suddenly appear and ask you to play with them (the daughters of an ex employee).

KNOWN EMPLOYEES AND GUESTS : Jack Torrance (caretaker), his wife Wendy Torrance and son Danny Torrance. Others include Stuart Ullman (General Manager), Suzie (his secretary), Bill Watson (his assistant) and Dick Halloran (the cook). Past employees include Delbert Grady (who performed his duties as caretaker in the winter of 1970), and his wife and two daughters. And Lloyd who tends the bar.

OFTEN DESCRIBED AS : " Just like a ghost ship huh? "

MODUS OPERANDI : To drive everyone insane through a series of hallucinations either from an intense form of claustrophobia (what the old timers called cabin fever), or actual supernatural manifestations. To then possess the souls of people through the murderous desperation caused by such experiences.

LIKES : The feelings evoked by the tremendous sense of isolation brought on from five months stuck in a hotel in the middle of nowhere. People who believe it's exactly what they're looking for. Caretakers who 'correct' their wives and children with axes. Room 237. Rolling balls along deserted corridors toward 6 year old boys playing with toy trucks. Strange naked corpse's attempting to strangle small boys in Room 237. Those who would exchange their soul for a glass of beer. Odd bear pig creatures performing fellatio to a man in a dinner jacket. Scaring the shit out of everyone.

DISLIKES : Wives of caretakers. Little girls who try to set the hotel on fire with matches. Boys who attempt to bring in an "outside party into this situation". "Outside party's" also born with the gift of 'shining'. Confusing mazes.

ABLE TO COMPREHEND REASON? : All work and no play make Jack a dull boy. All work and no play make Jack a dull boy. All work and no play make Jack a dull boy. All work and no play make Jack a dull boy. All work and no play make Jack a dull boy. All work and no play make Jack a dull boy. All work and no play make Jack a dull boy. All work and no play make Jack a dull boy. All work and no play make Jack a dull boy. All work and no play make Jack a dull boy. All work and no play make Jack a dull boy...

BEGGING? : REDRUM! REDRUM! REDRUM! REDRUM! REDRUM!

A NICE CUP OF TEA? : Hair of the dog that bit me Lloyd.

FUCK WITH OR DON'T FUCK WITH? : Maybe try Blackpool next year.

Don't Fuck With, Part 4 : John Ryder from THE HITCHER (1986)

NAME : John Ryder (possible alias).

AGE : 40ish.

HEIGHT : 6 "2 (may appear taller when filmed from the ground in a particularly impressive tracking shot).

PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS : Blonde hair. Blue eyes. Grey shirt. Long dark grey overcoat. Smoker. Often wipes his face with a handkerchief. Prone to colds. Plasters on fingers.

MODUS OPERANDI : Poses as a hitch hiker then kills drivers with or without families. Steals car or continues to hitch and kill, hitch and kill. Uses a variety of methods including stabbing, shooting and incineration.

KNOWN ASSOCIATES : Jim Halsey (something strange going on between the two of them).

STRENGTHS AND ABILITIES : Able to murder a man by cutting off his legs, arms and finally his head with only a switchblade and without a single drop of blood touching his clothes. Able to appear at exactly the moment you don't want him to (usually involves killing people who may help you, for example, the police). Can walk into a police station and kill 3 police officers and then release someone from their cell without making a sound. Excellent marksman - can pick off a helicopter in a moving vehicle. Strong - can escape from handcuffs.

PRONE TO SAY : " Stop me. "

LIKES : Jim Halsey (kind of). Taking an unhealthy interest in young male drivers who wont say four little words - " I want to die ". Killing (of course) whether its lone male drivers, cops, families, waitresses - not picky, just wants to kill. Hitch-hiking along a lonely highway preferably in a rain storm. Killing cops. Playing peekaboo with a teddy bear to other drivers. Blowing up gas stations. Planting evidence. Shooting at helicopters. Being spat in the face.

DISLIKES : Jim Halsey (kind of). People who drives Volkswagen beetles. Leaving the door ajar in a car going at 50 mph. Appearing in pointless remakes as Major Sharpe or Gary Busey's son. People who refuse to shoot him between the eyes when he is about to bisect their girlfriend with a truck. Cops.

ABLE TO COMPREHEND REASON? : No just wants you to stop him. Permanently. He'll even lend you the bullets to do it.

BEGGING? : Only if you say four words...

A NICE CUP OF TEA? : Probably not. Might take a coffee or a severed finger with his burger and fries.

FUCK WITH OR DON'T FUCK WITH? : Have you read any of the above?

Don't Fuck With, Part 3 : Killer Bob in TWIN PEAKS FIRE WALK WITH ME (1992)

NAME : Killer Bob.

OTHER ALIASES : Killer BOB. " Robertson ".

SIZE/DIMENSIONS : Appearance of a man (see below) but actual size or dimensions are unknown, and possibly irrelevant. Bob is everywhere. He's even in the chair you are sitting in right now.

PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS : Dirty and long unkempt brown/silver hair. Long dirty fingernails. Jeans or slacks. Shirt. Denim jacket. All round wild look. Is occasionally seen crouching or crawling for maximum shit scary effect.

MODUS OPERANDI : Possesses humans to create and/or provoke extreme traumatic emotions such as fear, pain and grief. Feeds off emotions in their base physical manifestation known as "Gormonbozia" - the sustenance of those who exist within " The Black Lodge ". Emotions are caused through molestation, assault, murder and probably sneaking up behind people and shouting " boo ".

KNOWN ASSOCIATES : Mike (sometimes inhabiting the body of the " One armed man " Phillip Gerard). Man From Another Place (may or may not be the being known as Mike). Various other denizens of The Black Lodge including a giant, an old woman and her grandson, men wearing preposterous wigs, and a monkey. Leland Palmer (possessed victim). Various other known victims include Laura Palmer, Teresa Banks, Ronette Pulaski and Madeline Ferguson. The White Lodge, the antithesis of The Black Lodge, although it's open to debate whether this dimension exists separately from The Black Lodge.

STRENGTHS AND ABILITIES : Able to transform himself/itself into an owl (or dispels its essence in all owls). Move from our world into the alternate dimension known as The Black Lodge. Able to appear in dreams, visions and alter victims perceptions of reality. Very strong. Can scare the shit out of you by hiding and jumping out at you when you least expect it.

PRONE TO SAY : " I will kill again. "

LIKES : Gormonbozia. Evil and the perpetuation of evil. Killing. People who sell their souls. Trying to possess people. Ceiling Fans. Hiding behind cupboards/bookcases/beds. Appearing in the corner of your eye as you walk into an empty room. Reflecting in the mirror at inopportune times. Terrorizing, molesting and then killing young women.

DISLIKES : FBI agents. The White Lodge. Being ordered to hand over Gormonbozia by Mike.

ORIGINS : Actual origins are unknown although it is believed he was once human. Whilst he was alive he was a serial killer and may have worked with Mike (Phillip Gerard).

LOCATION : Deep in the woods of Ghostwood Forest. In The Black Lodge. Behind you.

ABLE TO COMPREHEND REASON? : No.

BEGGING? : Hmmm... No.

A NICE CUP OF TEA? : Tea? No. Gormonbozia maybe sprinkled with hundreds and thousands.

FUCK WITH OR DON'T FUCK WITH? : Run like hell.